MOM I'M SCARED.

This pillow,
which I hug tight when I'm scared,
is the only thing I had when nobody cares.

This pillow is soft as a mothers' touch,
where I shared all my sorrow and pain,
but my mother's touch is softer than any mothers would.
But where did they go?

This pillow soaks up all my tears,
cover up my shameful face,
so that my mother never knew that I was in my darkest sorrow.

Cries then pretend to be happy. Worried of life but smiling.
Sick of the process but living it.
Can't breathe but laughing.
Scared of the crowd but walking through it.
Letting myself get hurt,
As long as my mother is not sad.

Alone

I need guidence. I am too young to care to much. Too young to cry all by myself. There's a lot more things I dont know. I'm stuck at asking myself what's going on.
I can feel my soul is shaking.
Emptiness makes my bones cold.
I'm alone. Literally alone.
Your evil shout is a murder to me.
why can't I live peacefully?
why should I worry too much?
when will I stop dreaming?
does that "One day" will come around?
what if that "One day'' is just a lie?
then I may should die.

Carousel Coma

So recently I have joined a music project with a band called Carousel Coma.
This band has been founded in 7 March 2013. Its an online thingy, they produced original records.

Like our page in facebook, and be the first to listen to the original songs !

Dilemma

So today my parents' car got hit by a huge truck. Why tragedies keep on haunting my life?

However I thought that I must go to school cause tomorrow is exam. Plus the teachers' are still pissed off. They might kill me again with words. But my school is so far from my home. There's no way to go there by walking, cause you even gonna have to pass the highway. Gosh.

You people might say, "why didnt you ask your neighbours for help?" . My answer is I can't. My neighbours are super busy people. I don't know their names. And also, I don't have any relatives near by to help me.

What is goin on in my life? People gonna start hating me for being a freak. Haters gonna hate ; thinking that I might be having fun during the day off.

My TRAGEDY IS ENDLESS. If I could, I would love to live the mainstream life of an ordinary teenager, enjoying life and friends. But things always getting on my way. Keeping away from the normal life. Please forgive all my sins.

I'm in pieces..

So let's get back to the real life. I'm getting my braces on next month. I have got a lot of my teeth pulled off and suffers after all the blood come out.

                                                                     My actual teeth

I just have to skip school about a week and my teachers are really pissed off.

Before getting the treatment, I have also skipped school for another week over a family trip. makes teacher double pissed off.

Anyway, after I loss a lot of blood after the wisdom tooth extraction and can't get up for awhile, I continue to suffer my common breathing disorder. The mystery disorder I had since I was 15 that happens usually without a rational reason. Maybe cause of depression. So I was absent from school for a few days. Makes the teachers triple pissed off cause they thought I was enjoying the day-off.

Listen here, if I hated school; I wouldn't come back to the school.
After I come back one of the teachers trying to warn me subliminally with her obvious sarcasm telling me not to act sick. As if she will be even glad if I die. Makes me pissed off.

And yes, I have met the doctor.I have also gone through all the tests; blood test, lung test, x ray and almost tear in pieces cause of the injections, they have found no solutions and choose to freaking ignore me. They suggested me to go to the hospital, bit of course I refuse it for school. Doctors dont know crap.

And to the whole strangers at school, stop treating me weird. I love all of you freaks and thats why I didnt choose to stay at the hospital for future research of my disease. I risk my life now and please stop pissing me off with your obvious STUPIDITY.

My thougts at the moment

My actual skull.

Greetings, people.
I'm really hurt right now.
The pain gives pressure within my chest.
It keeps pushing and pushing.
My rib cage is about to explode.
Lets just stab a knife through it.
Poke a hole so I can breathe again.

How long will I experience this pain?
Can a person die due to severe emotional pain?
Why there's always a situation that I'm supposed to get hurt.
The unfortunate events goes on and on.
While I'm not even recover from the last pain.
For I am the unlucky one.
Before they came around and shine that blazing light.
It has all gone to an awful darkness.
Pull the trigger to paradise.
Pull the plug and move on.

Give me a razor to cut the pain.
Give me a knife to stab in the heart.
Give me the blood to remind me of death.
Give me a reason why I am exist.
Show me the beauty of a human.
Show me the darkness with fireworks.
Show me where shall I begin?

Love

Back in the days I like watching love movies. I get excited when they talk about love. I used to listen to love song too, while remembering my loved ones.
Well not anymore, I'm getting more matured and stop wasting time for love.
Now lets talk about LOVE. In my opinion, love makes teenagers think too much while makes you look old. The love I'm talking about is a close relationship between a man and a woman. Come on, can't you see that people suffers because of love? Besides, whats the point of loving a complete stranger when you barely spend your time with your close family?
Let's think rationaly, is loving a guy /woman even necessary? What's we should do now is fight for all your fortunes.
Again, love is dangerous. Love don't a have a solid agreement and love can end anytime. Love is like a suicide, you are putting yourself in a situation where you can be pushed away anytime. Remember when your mom says "dont talk to strangers"? Marriage is not even necessary. They said its a battlefield. Well I don't know.
Lets live with our passion and of course not to satisfy others. Its your life,bro. Dont let love stops your dreams. Its so unfair.
Dude, spend your time with your grandma. No joke. You can't buy that time.

My actual birthday gift in 2013 from my awesome friends Atiqah and Pink.